…but how you say it. If the goal is to make a relationship stronger or even just keep a conversation going, it’s all about delivery.
Anything we say has two parts: content and process. Content is the words we use to express our thoughts. And process is how we deliver the message including tone of voice, facial expression and body language. It reflects our feelings, our intentions, our hopes.
Tone of voice. We draw certain conclusions from tone, even without seeing the other person. Let’s say we make a phone call to straighten out a bill. We listen for the customer representative’s tone of voice to see how cooperative he or she will be. We relax when we hear a friendly voice, become more defensive when we are barked at.
Facial expression. Facial expressions have many parts, but there are two major message deliverers: the look in the eye and the particular set of the mouth. If our eyes smile when we’re saying something and our mouth smiles too, our message is likely straightforward. If our eyes are friendly but our mouth is pursed or turned down, the listener scrambles to figure out which part is accurate: the eyes or the mouth.
Body language. Body language is what our bodies are doing while we talk. How we hold and move our head (high, downward, at an angle, nodding) becomes part of the message. What our arms are doing (gesturing, folded, hanging at our side) emphasizes what we’re saying. Again, if our head is nodding but our arms are crossed, the listener has to decide whether we’re really agreeing or we’re closed to the idea. Standing up is a more powerful position than sitting down, as in “lording it over.” Turning sideways while continuing to talk can mean “I’m done.”
Let’s look at delivery in a really tough scenario. A friend has just said something that hurts my feelings. If I react quickly, I might not see how I’m coming across. Words spoken can’t be taken back. And since my goal is to keep the friendship, I want to give myself enough time to think what I want to say and how to say it. It’s like checking my alignment: figure out the wording and get tone, expression and body in line. If our feelings are mixed, it’s important to let that be known.
I want my voice tone to be serious but not condemning. I want to look her straight in the eye with respect, not aggression (otherwise, she may feel the intensity without hearing the message). I don’t want to smile too much (I’m not kidding) nor do I want to grimace (I want to show confidence that we’ll work this out). I ask her to sit down with me or I’ll stand with her if she doesn’t want to sit (to be on the same level). Then I say what I want to say and be prepared to listen.
The challenge is to watch how we say things so what we’re saying stands a better chance of getting across our truest meaning.