Sometimes I come across words I’ve known forever and then realize I’m not really sure what they mean. I think clarifying them can make a difference in how I deal with them in my life. Here are three examples:
Regret vs Remorse
Do you know the feeling of hearing an apology that doesn’t ring true? Maybe it isn’t.
There’s a difference between expressing regret and expressing remorse. Regret is spurred by guilt or an effort to move past the offense. It’s about the person who did the offense wishing it didn’t happen. They might apologize by saying, “I’m not making excuses, but you do that too,” or “I don’t want to make you mad” in order to relieve their conscience.
Remorse goes deeper. It is a feeling of sadness and dismay about inflicting pain on another person. We truly vow never do it again. We might say something like, “I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you,” or “Of course you’re angry with me.”
Most of us probably do both behaviors. The point is to ask myself, “Am I really owning up to the hurt I caused?” and “Will I truly make every effort to not do it again?”
Privacy vs Secrecy
In every relationship, there is privacy and secrecy. So what’s the difference?
Privacy is things about ourselves we could reveal but decide not to. We believe that keeping these things private will not hurt the other person. Privacy can include our fantasies, daydreams and spiritual beliefs. When we do share such private things, it lets the other know us better.
Secrecy is keeping things hidden on purpose because we fear they might affect our relationship. It protects us from the embarrassment and aftermath of what the other might think about what we’ve done—affairs, acts of recklessness, addictions, betrayals.
The question for me is, “Is keeping this from the other person harmful to our relationship?” It’s very much a judgment call. We’re entitled to privacy. Secrets may or may not be dangerous.
Confidence vs Arrogance
I want to be confident, but I sure don’t want to be arrogant.
Confidence has to do with a feeling of power within ourselves. Maybe “power” isn’t a good word because of the negative connotations it can carry. Perhaps a solid feeling of “I’m OK” would be better.
Arrogance is about feeling superior and more powerful than others.
When I’m confident, I feel right about something. So too with arrogance. The difference is that with confidence, I remain open to hear other views, even though I may hold to my point. I don’t have to make others wrong to feel confident. I retain a certain humility and openness.
When I’m arrogant, I definitely feel others are wrong and I have the correct view. I also feel special, as if only another special person can understand me. It isolates me, as it’s often hard to be around. I overestimate my abilities. The irony is, arrogance is often covering insecurity: the worse I feel about myself and the shakier my viewpoint, the more “puffed up” I become (as my Grandma would say).
It may seem like a small thing to think about the meanings of words and how they translate into behaviors. But sometimes it can give us guidelines for how we want to be.