What? Surely you don’t mean that. Don’t help at Christmas?
You’re right. I don’t mean that literally. But this article is about the harm done by too much helping—at Christmas and beyond.
This is the story of Betty, mother of three girls, and her youngest daughter, Claire. Betty has been a loving mother to all three girls, but Claire is struggling despite her mother’s help.
Claire had been depressed for a long time and had a hard time with school work. She wanted to get a temp job for the Christmas season, but just couldn’t seem to land one. Mother Betty was constantly worried about her and offered suggestions on how to interview and steps to take to get out of her depression and move on.
When Betty offered these unsolicited ideas, Claire seemed to get excited about doing some of them. But she never really followed through. Betty would then work harder to help.
Finally, they came to therapy together and identified a pattern very familiar to each of them.
In Family Systems theory there is a pattern called “overfunctioning-underfunctioning.” If one person helps another too much, the one who’s not doing well may continue to not do well or even get worse. The person overhelping, as I call it, then works harder to offer more solutions and the “helpless” one may become even more helpless.
I asked Betty to lead the change towards balance by offering suggestions only if Claire asked for them–and even then, to think carefully before jumping in. Claire was worried her mom would stop giving advice altogether, but she gradually saw that she was hiding behind her fear of failing. Betty learned how her helping contributed to Claire’s inability to take hold of her own life. She wasn’t happy about cutting back on her ideas, of course, because she didn’t know what to do with herself if she weren’t trying to fix someone else’s problems. What would happen to Claire, she worried, if Betty weren’t there to help?
But Betty gradually slowed her efforts to “save Claire.” She did this with grace rather than harshness: “I’m sorry, Claire, but I really don’t know what’s best here” versus, “I won’t be doing anything more for you til you get your life together!” Tone of voice and loving intent are vital. If the message is too sharp, the underfunctioner will often raise the stakes by unconsciously getting worse.
I helped Betty explore her belief that if she helped others, they would return the favor, show her more love, or get better and praise her for having the answers. This actually wasn’t happening in her life. She began to understand that she got a lot of her self-esteem from helping, and not helping triggered feelings of worthlessness.
Betty forced herself to look for things to do with her time rather than focusing so much on Claire. She took a civics class and started some exercising. She continued to encourage Claire by telling her she believed in Claire’s ability to figure things out. Claire cried and wailed for awhile, but eventually was able to find some of her own solutions. Her depression gradually lifted, though she was still inclined to down times—-which certainly tempted Betty to jump in.
It doesn’t always work out as well as Betty and Claire’s situation. This process can take a lot of time and effort. But it’s so worth it when both people begin living a more aware and fulfilling life.