Why is compassion–one of the most important human capacities–so difficult sometimes? One definition of compassion is “wanting ourselves and others to be free from suffering.” How hard can it be to want that and practice it?
The first challenge may be to notice that another is in some kind of discomfort. That’s not always obvious. We mask our anguish in infinite ways. Or we may be suffering with grief or illness or sorrow so encompassing, we can’t see what’s happening to others. Or maybe we’re simply so self-focused we don’t see suffering in other people.
Many of us struggle to feel compassion for ourselves. We might think of it as self-pity or being selfish. But the feeling itself–to be sorry that we are hurting and understand how hard life can be–how can that be harmful?
Having compassion can feel like it costs something. We’ll be seen as weak or a bleeding heart. Or since we’ve had our share of hard knocks, why feel for others who are hurting? Or we judge the one who’s in pain to be dumb or wrong, or not a nice person, so she or he deserves to feel bad. Or if we show compassion, we think the other person might keep the misery going to get more attention.
Some fear burnout as they invest so much in feeling for and helping others. So, we need to be very clear that we can’t save others—they have to find their own solutions. And we have to know how to take good care of ourselves, including knowing our limits of helping.
The highest ideal for me is to feel compassion for those we truly do not understand or even hate; to entertain the belief that it isn’t about deserving. To believe that human beings stand a better chance of living more fully when given compassion rather than judgment is the guiding principle.
Here’s one of life’s paradoxes: When we feel compassion, we actually feel pain: a painful sympathy with another. And it can make us feel better. When we allow ourselves to let another’s situation affect us and extend our caring without condition, it expands our hearts.
We can achieve compassion without taking direct action. Meditating or praying for ourselves and others to be free from suffering and the causes of suffering is a personal gift to the world. Though we don’t know the true power of such a gift, science is starting to recognize that compassion does have a tangible effect on our lives. Even if it can’t be proved right now, experimenting to see which feels better in the long run–compassion or condemnation–is worth the effort.
Compassion is a powerful feeling in itself. It really costs nothing but can lead us to be the kind of human beings who can truly want ourselves and others not to suffer. Loving kindness, the essence of compassion, is such good medicine.