Sometimes a song says just exactly what needs saying.
After these years of studying human behavior, doing therapy and receiving therapy, something fresh comes along in the form of a song. David Wilcox’s “Live Songs and Stories” CD. On it is his special gift to living in relationship.
He sings, “Start with the Ending”:
“Secret of a happy marriage
Maybe you should write this down
You wanna keep a love together
The best way is to end it now”
WHAT?!, you say? WHAT?!, I said.
He keeps singing:
“When you both know it’s over
Suddenly the truth comes out
You can talk about your secret passion
You can talk about your restless doubt”
His idea startles me, captures my longing to understand relationships. David introduces the song: “What if you went into a relationship fearless? You could tell the truth because you weren’t afraid it would end. Probably wouldn’t end if you told the truth.”
“When there’s no pretending
Then the truth is safe to say
Start with the ending
Get it out of the way”
What this means to me is, in trying to preserve a relationship, the truth—-OUR truths—-get buried in the fear of losing, getting hurt, having to start over. It’s kind of like survival of the fittest. The “fittest” sometimes employ the stealthiest tactics. We can do most anything to keep a relationship alive, including hiding our “secret passions and restless doubts.”
“Now, there’s no defending
Because no one has to win
Start with the ending
It’s the best way to begin”
So what if we go into a relationship without a win/lose way of thinking? What if we know it’s possible for both of us to win? The teachings are there for the learning (Fisher and Ury, GETTING TO YES) if we believed relationships weren’t so easily expendable. This win/win work takes time and study and practice. Maybe those things are too hard, too labor intensive.
“After all the expectations
Shatter on the kitchen floor
You just see another human suffering
And wonder what the war was for”
Well, our expectations are often killers. Whether we say them out loud or not, the way we picture our mate acting, believing, feeling—-about us and life—-is the measure. Will she live up to it? Will he? I doubt it. Because expectations come from wishes unfulfilled, loving arms that never wrapped around us, cheers that were muted. We want these things fixed in this relationship, now.
“After you have both decided
You were missing something that you need
The ways that you were too short sighted
Get easier for you to see”
Hind-sight is all of a sudden now. We can see what we were asking of the relationship, what was ours to “fix.”
“So, there’s no defending
That the old ways could remain
We start with the ending
And things will never be the same”
If we realize from the beginning that all relationships end, we have nothing left to lose. And we can be who we are. It’s the best way to begin.