How about those conversations where the other person tells you what you think and feel, and you know “it ain’t me, babe.” You feel startled or even thrown off balance. It’s what Freud calls “projection”–“a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects his or her own unacceptable attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world.”
Huh?
We all help ourselves feel better by projecting what we feel is our “bad stuff” onto others. The hardest part is we often don’t realize we’re doing it—we really think the other is as we see them. Understanding projections may just be the thing that helps a relationship survive. So here goes my attempt to make common sense out of “projection, the defense mechanism.”
Let’s say a person is very arrogant but doesn’t think she is. She knows better than others what’s good for them, what they’re thinking and feeling; and above all, she believes she’s right. She also knows that arrogance is not attractive or may even lose her friendships. But she can’t own it without feeling like a bad person so she sees arrogance everywhere but in herself.
She may be able to get away with that view until she gets into a close relationship when feedback reaches the heart. When she feels criticized, she yells at her partner that he’s arrogant. He doesn’t feel he is, so the fight is on.
It gets complicated. Someone in psychiatry once said, “There’s always a nail to hang a projection on.” It’s pretty easy to project the things we don’t like about ourselves onto others because we all have some degree of those same traits. The guy in the above example may be arrogant at times, but she says he’s bad for being extremely arrogant.
Or maybe he really is like she says he is. It’s not either, “I’m arrogant or I’m not,” but to what degree. If we realize we’re more arrogant than we’ve acknowledged, we can own it and say so. Hopefully both people can stop fighting and look inside themselves to bring to light what’s creating the conflict.
Taking on a projection—really believing it’s true—that isn’t you can be hazardous to your health, creating depression and crazy feelings. It’s like a virus trying to take over the nucleus of our cells. We can give back the projection by being aware that how others see us is very much due to their own experiences. We can say, “This may be her stuff”—not to condemn her but to realize she feels bad about herself.
Projections can be positive too but just as deadly. I think Elvis died as he took on the world’s projection of what a king he was and tried to live up to it. Imagine the pressure to maintain that greatness!
Asking feedback from friends we know and trust (other than primary partner or mate) can help us learn how we’re seen by others. We do want to hear how our partner sees us, but projections happen much more frequently and intensely in a primary relationship. So a more careful look would be wise.
The goal is to bring our “bad stuff” out of the closet without condemning ourselves so we don’t project as much onto others. That can slow down hatred and bigotry and wars (because after all, we believe we’re the good guys). When we acknowledge our flaws, we can begin to change instead of condemning others.