“Growing up means letting go of the dearest megalomaniacal dreams of our childhood. Growing up means knowing they can’t be fulfilled. Growing up means gaining the wisdom and skills to get what we want within the limitations imposed by reality—a reality which consists of diminished powers, restricted freedoms and, with the people we love, imperfect connections.”

For the few of you still reading after that beginning, there’s hope. The quote is from Judith Viorst’s 1986 best-selling book, Necessary Losses. It’s been a guiding light for me since, though I’m still not happy about the necessary losses.

What Judith points out is that no matter how old we are, letting go of our expectations of continual bliss in relationships is a “necessary loss” in the growing up process. I know when I’m feeling bad about any personal relationship, I’d be smart to ask myself: “What are you expecting of this person?” Because when I ask that, I see some of my great expectations:

~ I want him/her to be like me—same level of commitment, same dedication to our love, same passion we started with.

~ I want him/her to attend to my needs, to love me no matter what, to anticipate my needs.

~ I want her/him to be dependable, to always be there.

It’s pretty clear if I hold onto these expectations, I will often feel miserable.

We don’t make up these expectations. As babies totally dependent on our mother or another in her place, she seemed to know our needs. We cried; we were comforted. We were hungry; she fed us. We made messes; she cleaned them up.

Now granted, many of us didn’t have it that good. But if our mothering person was good enough at meeting our needs, we made the magical leap to believing she loved us unconditionally and that we would be loved like that forevermore. If we didn’t have a “good enough mother,” it doesn’t stop us from looking for her (or him) now. We want those ideal loving arms.

Our expectations persist. We fall in love with someone and later, when they can’t deliver that devotion, we move on because we still believe in love without limits. Or we stay in the relationship, believing that if we love them enough or behave a certain way, that perfect love will grow and be ours.

So what’s to do? Humans aren’t perfect. We don’t love unconditionally. We aren’t always dependable. Since we can’t change those facts, we face the unholy notion of having to change our expectations. What won’t be helpful is to retaliate and expect nothing of love and relationships. A zen master said, “Expect everything, expect nothing” (easy for him to say).

We may throw tantrums, we may cry as we let go of the dream of perfect love. But when we can rejoice over good enough in our love relationships—-and accept the necessary losses to get there—we will be happier.