Here’s a scoop: Sex doesn’t vanish with age unless we let it go.
Granted, our society typically focuses on sex and youth. But as our aging population increases, I think we’ll see more media programs that include sex and the elderly. We’ll get away from the harmful stereotypes of the “dirty old man” and “groping granny” and take seriously the idea that our sexuality is with us ‘til the day we die.
Sex is a lot more than intercourse. It includes our need to be touched, held and hugged; to be desired; how we express our attractiveness; how we convey our sexuality in intimate relationships; and how we use our sexuality to get what we want.
Laura Berman, PhD, in her book, Real Sex for Real Women, has several suggestions in her chapter on sex and aging:
1. Don’t buy into the stereotype that “people over 60 don’t have sex.” It’s not true, and it’s particularly damaging when we have sexual feelings and want to be close physically to another person but feel we shouldn’t. It’s NOT aberrant. It’s a normal human need. My oldest sex therapy clients were well into their 80s, and they weren’t in my office to discuss kissing.
2. Don’t get stuck in the “grandparent” and other non-sexy roles—they can squash our ability to feel attractive. Pay attention to how you look, your clothing, your cleanliness. Study your face in the mirror, look yourself in the eye and spend time looking as good as you can. This requires accepting the changes aging brings and realizing that wrinkled skin still receives pleasure and hungers for it as much as youthful skin does.
3. Cuddle and kiss. Try sensual pleasuring (touching without the goal of intercourse) to show affection. It’s like a massage that focuses on each touch itself and helps us learn what we enjoy most about our bodies. Holding hands may seem insignificant, but the message that “I want to touch you” can create powerful emotional tenderness. There’s so many ways to make love!
4. Use aids to enhance or reawaken sexual feelings. We’re all familiar with drugs that assist erections in men. And manual devices also can help with intercourse. Women can use vibrators and bring them to sexual encounters. Sexy clothes can enhance erotic feelings and be fun and stimulating.
I would add to that list, “Think sex!” Reading suggestive stories, watching sexy movies or viewing erotic art can spur the imagination—and the body. Actually, studying how the body works sexually can make for better lovers. And don’t forget fantasizing. Our mind is the most important sexual organ.
Many older people don’t have partners. It’s too easy to “turn off” our sexuality if we’re not one of a couple. (This happens to young people as well.) We can make sure we embrace our attractiveness as men or women, and keep an openness to give and receive various touches such as hugging or a kiss on the cheek. We have to keep our receptivity signals going.
We want to be wanted. No aphrodisiac can compare to being desired by another for who we are. That can happen every day, in nearly any situation, no matter how old we are.