My middle name. My favorite food. Or favorite color. Or what I dream of. My favorite song. Or my favorite celebrity.
The last time those kinds of questions were a normal part of life was a very long time ago. Somehow, for whatever reasons, I believe we’ve lost the willingness and maybe the ability to ask questions of others—to be really interested in other people’s lives.
Picture yourself meeting a friend. How does the conversation unfold? Do you ask how that person is or what they’ve been doing? Well, probably. It’s a social norm. But after that? Now you’re sitting down to coffee or a drink. How many times in the next hour do you ask your friend something about their life? How many times does he or she ask you about yours?
When you meet someone and start a conversation, does the other person immediately start talking about themselves? “I’m a musician,” you say. And they say, “Oh, my cousin is a musician too,” followed by a lot of talk about the cousin and nothing more about what kind of musician you are, where you play, how long have you played, etc.
My friend, Edward, told me about his golf game last week with two long-time friends. I asked what he shot. And he said, “Not one question in the four hours we played together. Neither of them asked me a real question about how I was doing.” He just shook his head and looked puzzled. It didn’t matter what his score was. He wasn’t there just for golf. Feeling like his friends were interested in him mattered.
If there are basic human skills that make for strong relationships, asking questions is one of them. I don’t think there are classes in that. Or if there are, they may be designed to help sell someone something.
But here’s what I think asking questions can do for relationships, whether starting a new one or getting to know someone better:
> Questions show interest
> Questions indicate some degree of caring
> Questions can build trust
> Questions allow for better choices in friends
> Questions deepen and support relationships
> Questions make for less loneliness
> Questions give people a chance to tell their stories.
While making asking questions a part of who we are, we all want ME time too, to talk about our lives, what matters, what was upsetting, what made us laugh, who we love, what we fear. And to feel like another is interested enough to ask. Obviously conversations are give and take—asking and listening and telling about ourselves.
I think it’s rare to find someone who asks real questions and wants real answers because it truly is an artful skill. To gauge the right amount of intimacy in the question and watch the other’s response to see if we’ve overstepped the boundary take thought and empathy and practice. But it can allow whole new heart connections in our relationships.