I remember way back when (always thankful for that) when I first learned I helped too much. And realized that it could actually hurt the person I was trying to help–and me!
In 1985, Harriet Lerner, a psychologist from the Menninger Clinic in Kansas, published Dance of Anger. At a time when women were empowering themselves with stronger voices, it was a guiding light. Lerner illuminated the balance between over- and under-helping. And my struggle was “over-helping.”
Here’s Sharon’s story that echoes my challenge to become more balanced. Sharon wonders why her family and others get so frustrated with her and even put her down when she tries to help them.
Her daughter tells her about a problem at work, just to talk about her day. Sharon immediately jumps in with suggestions on how to remedy it. Daughter feels like it’s her problem and she can handle it, so changes the subject. Sharon keeps going with questions about why daughter doesn’t want to talk more about the problem. Daughter says she’s got to go.
This is a simple example of a long-term communication problem for Sharon. She tries to help first thing. Daughter feels mother is trying to tell her what to do because she persists. Her mom looks like she has all the answers and daughter doesn’t have a chance to figure things out. Sharon feels injured because her daughter leaves the conversation.
So what are the choices for a response from Sharon that might improve communication and help the relationship?
~ Sharon can listen instead of jumping in, and she can be understanding. The value of listening and empathy can’t be overrated.
To feel understood is priceless. Sharon could say, “That sounds really hard” or something similar and go on listening.
~ Sharon can listen and say, “I’ve got a couple of ideas on that if you want to hear them.” That gives daughter a chance to say yes or no instead of feeling like she’s being told what to do via the pushing of suggestions. If daughter says she’ll handle it, Sharon needs to honor that and not press her ideas.
~ Sharon can listen and offer support. “That’s a tough one, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
~ If Sharon cannot help but make suggestions, she can offer them in a tentative way such as, “Just a thought…,” and not an excited tone of, “I have the answer to your problem!”
If Sharon persists instead with her suggestions, daughter—and others—will likely be irritated and not share as much in the future. If they feel understood and supported, they may feel more comfortable around Sharon and even like her more, which is what Sharon wishes would happen.
This over-helping style hurts the daughter because she doesn’t have time to think it through or wrestle with it or have a chance to figure out her own solutions. It creates dependency rather than self-reliance and denies daughter a chance to build self-confidence.
It’s a tricky balance because, as Lerner points out, women are socialized from early on to help. Helping others is too often how we get our feelings of self-worth. So it’s a balance, and to error on the side of empathy instead of offering solutions immediately can really make a difference.