I’ve been called controlling once or twice in my lifetime. How about you? When it’s used as a dirty word, what does it really mean?
A simple definition: controlling is having a need to control other people’s thinking, feeling and behaving. It’s obvious when we think of Nazi SS troopers physically taking control of other people’s lives. Or bullies who boss co-workers around. Or spouses who hit their mates.
There are less blatant ways to be controlling, too. Criticizing a person for every little thing—-even nicely—may seem helpful at first. But as it goes on, it begins to create confusion and erodes self-confidence.
A more subtle form of control comes from believing you know better for others than they know for themselves. This is hard to combat because it often comes as caring suggestions. But when the “helper” keeps urging the other person to accept the “suggestions,” it becomes an attempt to control.
Other examples include veiled threats of harm if the other doesn’t do certain things, affection being conditional on having one’s own way, complaining about friendships and time spent outside the relationship, guilting the other into giving up their opinion, creating a feeling of debt by overindulging the other, demanding to know the other’s thoughts and activities, belittling the other’s long-held beliefs, jealous rages, kidding on the square (teasing or putting down jokingly), refusing to hear the other’s point of view, coming across as a victim. And the list goes on.
So, where does this need to control come from? It’s easy to say a person is just bad or creepy if they’re extremely controlling. But regardless of the degree, controlling is fear-based. The person feels afraid and unsafe because of the chaos inside themselves, of not being good enough, of making mistakes, of being left, of not belonging or being lovable. And the more fearful, the more anxiety grows and must be controlled. “Control others, control my anxiety. If they’ll calm down, I can calm down” is the mantra.
For people who believe they can control others and in fact find others who will live that scenario with them, the motivation to look at themselves may be nearly nonexistent. For those who have come to realize they are being controlling, they can learn what triggers the controlling behavior, take no action when triggers happen and reflect later. For example, if we’re triggered by watching another struggle, we can catch ourselves trying to save them. We can begin to monitor how much and how strongly we give advice. We can remind ourselves that the best way to love someone is to let them be who they are which includes mistakes, hurts and even losses.
The bottom line to combating controlling behavior is decreasing fear. We have to know we’ll be OK no matter what other people decide to do. We plan what we’ll do for ourselves when we’re left behind, when we’re not loved, when we’re ignored, when we’re put down, when we don’t get what we want, when the worst happens.
Learning how fear and anxiety lead to controlling behaviors is vital to making changes.