What do you expect with a title like, “The Laughing Widow”? Introduction to a new microbrew? An Agatha Christie? A fairy tale where the widow is banished to the forest because she laughs when she should be crying?
Well, it’s closest to the last one. This column is about expectations and how our awareness of what they are and the power they hold can give us a clearer picture of reality.
I think expectations, high or low, are part of the human condition. So trying not to have any in order to prevent disappointment, as many famous quotes would tell us, doesn’t really work for me. I don’t even realize I’m having expectations most of the time. But when I stop to look at why I’m either elated or deflated with relationships, I see it’s because I thought things and people would be a certain way (including myself).
What We Expect of Ourselves
From a young age, we wonder what we will be like when we’re older, and what older people should be like anyway. Should we be cute and cuddly, quiet and compliant, famous and flamboyant?
My Auntie Janine lived to be 101. She was vital til the last. She took care of her grandchildren and great grandchildren and maintained her own apartment. She did her own shopping after getting a ride to the store, and her own cooking. She was a “Viva,” as my partner calls older women with mysterious vitality of spirit. I never asked Janine what she expected of herself, but I’m imagining she expected to do what needed doing. That’s the way she lived.
What Others Expect of Us
What others expect of us can be seriously detrimental to our health if we’re not careful. Are you living your life to please others? Are you putting on an act instead of being who you really are, to live up to someone’s expectations?
Mildred, a 50-something woman, lost her husband to a car accident. Immediately friends and relatives were there to comfort and advise. She was in shock, of course, but she also was pretty clear: she wanted to jump for joy. What?!
To say Mildred’s husband was cruel and hateful would be like saying Pikes Peak is a tall mountain. But as sympathies poured in, Mildred found herself getting caught up in the “grieving widow” expectation. Some knew they didn’t have a great relationship, but still acted as if she should grieve. Mildred’s exhaustion at the end of each day came not from crying and lamenting but from having to act like she was devastated when she felt like laughing.
Adjusting Expectations to Reality
We can adjust our expectations to reality if we know what our expectations are. When you’re frustrated with yourself or a relationship, ask yourself what you’re expecting. Did “happily ever after” turn into a bad reality show? Is your daughter working at McDonalds instead of becoming a famous lawyer in the family tradition? Did you lose a pet who means more to you than your ex ever did and people just don’t get it?
Being aware of expectations allows us to check and change them. A good expectation for sure!