Never in my life before has the word “uncertainty” been more perfectly descriptive. From daily life to the national and world scene, life is uncertain. Every day is fraught with news of changes we didn’t ask for and don’t have experience dealing with.
I personally want remedies, things to slow down, stop feeling assaulted by decisions our of my control. I want a magic answer to how to feel better given these circumstances. Because, we’re living them right now.
There are answers everywhere. From Emerson to the Bible, Buddha to Dr. Phil. They are the same answers that have been here a very long time. But I want a magic answer, THE answer, to how to feel better in this scary and out-of-control time.
The present time makes me look at how I’m living. I feel lonelier, although I have several close friends to commiserate with. More anxious in a general way—free floating anxiety, they used to call it. I talk to myself more about how to stay centered, to not focus on the hard stuff. But that’s exhausting by mid-day. I seek solace in occupying myself too much in whatever I’m doing, to take up time so the anxiety doesn’t descend as quickly. I’m tireder, from carrying around the awareness I try not to look at. I struggle to concentrate more than I used to.
So I admit I’m living what I just wrote down. And others have shared the same. And I’m back to looking for that answer to make the tiredness go away.
When I was in grade school in the 1950s, teachers taught us how to get under our wooden desks when the air raid siren wailed, in case the atom bomb dropped. It was kind of fun then. I really didn’t know what a bomb could do. And then President Kennedy dealt with missiles aimed at the US which seemed pretty scary. Next came Viet Nam and Louis Armstrong singing, “Wonderful World” as Robin Williams announced the godawful death news. 911 shook the world and my little world. Why does this day and time seem so much worse?
I was living along, with just the normal challenges. Even some devastating losses and griefs. But now I’m having to ask myself what I value, what I gravitate towards, what I find funny every day. What matters to me now? I didn’t really want to have to be so introspective. It had been more of a periodic check-in with myself. Now it’s a must.
So while there is no magic answer for now that I can find, I do the daily work of living the best I can, not taking time for granted. Being purposeful more of the time instead of checking chores off my list automatically. Asking myself, “Does what I’m doing now really matter?” And paying closer attention to the answer.
Kindness and patience have always been attributes I’ve striven for. But now, in times of high anxiety, they seem more important, more of the time. From grocery clerks to my intimate partner, I want to be kind.
Recognizing the difficulties of living in this time has to be a daily practice so I can understand feeling like crying for no reason. And knowing and believing that this time, this life, is time limited so I can make my choices every day.
Today, it brings a strange degree of comfort when I realize there is NOT a magic answer. That’s after letting the fear in completely. Stopping the struggle to make circumstances beyond my control go away. Giving in to what’s in front of me. Accepting that, I breathe a tiny bit easier.