Sometimes people wonder why their grief goes on and on when they lose someone or something that doesn’t seem to warrant an unending grief. I think it’s partly because that person or thing is attached to a dream.
In this two-part article, we’ll walk with Sally as she comes to grips with losing her dream and ongoing grief.
Sally came for therapy. The reason, as she stated it, was that she had a failed marriage—five years ago. The questions for her now were: Why is this still keeping me up at night? Why am I crying when I try to talk about it? Why is this heartache going on and on as if it just happened? Why did I lose my sense of humor? Why can’t I just appreciate all I have and have that be enough?
When we explored this failed marriage, we learned that it was more than “a marriage.” She was 60 years old when she fell in love with Walter. And she had always dreamed of being the perfect housewife. As a child, Sally spent her play-filled hours in the ecstasy of a dream which saw her putting on an apron and cooking special dinners and creating a home for two. Now, with Walter, she would make a beautiful home, create delicious meals, keep herself looking good and everything would be lovely. Her friends used to say she was cut out for just such a life.
Sally and Walter were such a fine fit. He had been widowed a few years before they met. And now he was ready for a woman whose main desire was to create a home for them. He would support them with the business he’d built, and they would live a rich and happy life.
For a few years, that was the picture they painted together. Sally made a beautiful home with furnishings they both liked. She became an excellent cook and reveled in the creativity of that. She kept herself fit and dressed stylishly. Walter worked hard at his business and it continued to grow. Even when he began to work longer hours, Sally believed it was his dedication to their lives together.
When Walter got home later and later, Sally couldn’t keep her dinners fresh. He wouldn’t call to say when he’d be home, even when she asked him to. On it went with her being more disappointed and angry, and him avoiding talking about why their marriage was suffering.
One day Walter was gone. He emailed her that he was leaving, would give her the house and a settlement. He thanked her for all she’d been to him but said he needed something different. Well, you know the story. The “something different” was younger, prettier and sexier. And she couldn’t even cook!
Sally was crushed. She managed, with the help of friends, to maintain a life. But what she loved was gone.
In Part II, we’ll follow Sally as she works her way through the loss of her marriage and the death of her dream.