A ritual as defined by Webster is “an act or series of acts done in a particular situation and in the same way each time.”
Bill and I touch our forks together with the first bites of food at meals. For him, it’s a “Here’s to us!” and thankfulness for the food. For me, it’s similar—a celebration of sitting down together as a couple and feeling that connection.
Sandi and her husband start their day meditating together for 15 minutes, then having tea. It’s a way to clear and calm their minds individually, and it creates a space they fill together.APPRE
Mary wakes her partner by bringing their little white fluffy dog to snuggle with him. They all feel the joy of that ritual.
Chris prays when she wakes up and before she goes to bed. This ritual represents her caring for people she loves and those in need, and marks her belief and faith in a higher power.
So what makes these repeated behaviors called “rituals” mean something?
We give rituals their meaning. We ask a friend, “How are you?” And if we’re thinking about our own problems instead of really listening to the answer, it’s a routine behavior. If we really care about the other’s response, “How are you?” becomes a meaningful ritual.
Rituals can help us resolve difficult life experiences. Toasting a loved one on the anniversary of his or her death each year reminds us of the relationship we shared and can help us continue to deal with our grief.
We don’t have to be in relationship to enjoy rituals, however. Donna is an older single woman. One of her greatest joys is fixing her favorite meal, lighting a candle and dining in her cozy house. This ritual is a time for her to appreciate her own life.
Are rituals different from routines? Rituals and routines both ground us. Repeating the same behavior in the same way helps us know that not everything in this spinning world changes constantly.
But the difference in the two is important. One person put it this way: “The difference between a routine and a ritual is not the action but the attitude behind the action. Routines can wear us down and dull our senses. But rituals are life-giving because we imbue them with a significance that is special.”
It’s good to take a look at our rituals from time to time. They can become empty if we’re not careful. We can feel pressured to continue a ritual when we no longer have the emotional energy for it. In James’ case, he wanted to leave the relationship but continued to walk with Sarah daily because that ritual meant a lot in the beginning of their relationship. Instead of affirming their connection, he felt guilty for continuing it and alone.
It’s amazing how powerful rituals are and how hard it can be to say, “I want to stop,” or, “I want to change how we do that.” But it’s important to make sure our rituals still have meaning.
Here’s to creating rituals that make life more interesting, affirm our deepest values and allow us to feel our connections to ourselves and each other.