You’re in a restaurant. The server approaches. She’s a hefty 5’10” blonde with a slight frown on her face. In an instant, you feel tense, a little sweaty. She’s at your table and you fumble to say what you want to drink. As she recedes into the bustling crowd, you wonder, “What on earth was that all about? Why did she make me feel so weird?”
All sorts of seemingly trivial things can trigger us emotionally in a day. And unless we know the power of triggers, we’re at their mercy.
Triggers, or the reigniting of old feelings and experiences, tap into times past when we felt vulnerable, raw fear, shame, hurt in an infinity of ways. Our bodies register these events with increased blood pressure, feeling overwhelmed, grief-stricken, fearful or angry. Over time, if we don’t do something to quell these responses, our bodies may pay the price with ulcers, asthma, heart disease and other debilitating conditions.
Trigger points generate quick reactions—we do or say something, often without thinking. They affect our relationships when we panic, lash out, hide or do other creative behaviors to try to stop the fear and hurt. The problem is, other people can’t see what we’re reacting to. And more importantly, sometimes WE can’t see what we’re reacting to. (How could a waitress we’ve never seen elicit that creepy response in us?) In any case, we judge ourselves or are judged by others for overreacting.
It’s not as if we make this stuff up, these emotional triggers. They are as real as the experiences they’re based on. (That second grade teacher, tall and blond, who towered over us, demanding the answers.) Constant scoldings, being laughed at, called names, told we’re wrong—it’s as if our feelings of hurt, anger, hopelessness, despair that welled up then got injected into our cells. When anything today feels like those old experiences, those feelings are in us again. And we do whatever we can to make them stop.
It’s easy to blame the person who does something that triggers us, but that’s not helpful. The blonde server didn’t cause our response, but her being there can help us identify the trigger and figure out how to deal with the experience. Here’s some suggestions (for me too!):
1. Learn to know triggers by your body’s signals. If you feel a rush or your breathing changes (speeds up or is placed on hold), feel dizzy, your fists clench, your jaw tightens, you feel frozen or numb, your body may be reliving a past stressful event.
2. Tell yourself you understand what’s happening. Trust that what you’re feeling is real. It doesn’t mean the exact same thing is happening from the past, such as being talked down to. But it’s just enough of the same thing that you’re put on alert and feel pressure to defend yourself—or run.
3. Buy time before opening your mouth. The old “count to 10” may sound silly, but it actually is a way to slow down your response. Our nervous systems do fight or flight rapidly when triggered. And unless you are truly in a life-threatening situation, try silence as the first response.
4. Make the trigger known. Look to see where you’ve felt these feelings before. Nobody likes to do this. But if we expose the trigger, we give ourselves more choice in our response. It takes guts to say to someone you’re with, “I realize something in what just happened is a trigger for me. I’m feeling a lot and need time to sort this out.” If that person cares (and isn’t triggered themselves), hopefully they’ll be there if you want to talk it through.
Finding triggers is hard. Facing triggers is hard. But that emotional work can help our health and give us fewer, “I wish I hadn’t said (or done) that” moments.