A reader wrote that he is suffering. His lover left him because of something she thought he did. He was innocent of the charge. He asks, “Why do I have to suffer when I didn’t do anything wrong?”

There are so many ways to suffer in love. We can love someone who doesn’t love us. We can love our partner more than she or he loves us. We can be betrayed by the one we love, be divorced or lose her or him to death. We may never feel what it’s like to be in love or find that special someone with whom to live and learn. We can live with someone for years and never feel we know him or her. We may be tormented by loving two people at the same time.

Our society tries to tell us we can avoid suffering if we are strong or if we just believe the right way or live differently. This belief adds suffering on top of suffering because if we live and love, we will suffer.

But not all suffering is the same. In a book called, Like Gold Though Fire: Understanding the Transforming Power of Suffering, Massimillia and Bud Harris write about several kinds of suffering:

~~ Natural suffering comes from events of nature such as disease, disaster or the death of a loved one. These things are an inevitable part of life.

~~ Developmental suffering occurs as we grow. Unlike natural suffering, developmental suffering comes from inside us as we come to grips with life’s realities. We have to give up certain beliefs such as, “Someone will love me unconditionally,” to live more fully. And these realizations cause suffering.

~~ Neurotic suffering occurs when we cannot adjust to life. Our growth is blocked because we can’t go through the suffering required to accept suffering as part of life. We get stuck in this kind of suffering because it seems less fearful than accepting what is.

If we can accept that suffering happens and use it to move to a deeper compassion for ourselves and others, we may eventually lose the part of us that feels singled out. This the Harrises call transcendent suffering. It hooks us to life itself.

I read a heart-wrenching account of one man’s journey through suffering. He was successful in his work and married to a bright and loving woman. They had two kids. As his wife and kids drove home one night, they were killed in a car wreck.

For several years he grieved and nearly drove himself mad with the questions, “Why me? Why do I have to suffer this loss?”

He asked friends, he read books, he sought counsel and religious answers. Nothing touched his suffering until one day it came to him. Instead of asking, “Why me?,” he needed to ask, “Why not me?” He saw then that suffering belongs to Life and no one is overlooked.

If we love, we suffer. If we don’t love, we suffer. Suffering plays no favorites. “Rain falls on the just and the unjust.”